Is it possible to find love using dating apps? 5 tips from dating coach Logan Ury

Key Takeaways:

• Craft a thoughtful dating profile that genuinely represents you.
• Move from messaging to meeting sooner to assess real-life connection.
• Recognize that initial “spark” isn’t the sole predictor of long-term compatibility.
• Differentiate between fundamental dealbreakers and minor pet peeves.
• Adopt a proactive mindset; understand that relationships require effort.

Navigating Modern Romance with Logan Ury

In an era where swiping right has become a staple of dating culture, the question arises: Can you truly find love on a dating app? Behavioral scientist, author, and dating coach Logan Ury believes you can—if you approach it with the right mindset.

“Getting more scientific about dating is romantic, and it helps empower people to get into the best relationships for themselves,” says Ury, the director of relationship science for the dating app Hinge and author of How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love .

The Importance of Self-Awareness

Before diving into the world of online dating, Ury emphasizes the need for introspection. She encourages singles to reflect on past relationship patterns and understand what might be holding them back.

“Be intentional and do that work before you start,” she advises. “Get clear on who you are, what you want, why things haven’t worked well in the past, and what you’re going to do differently this time.”

Crafting a Standout Profile

Your dating profile is your first impression—a digital billboard showcasing who you are.

“Profiles are really important,” Ury notes. “You get this limited amount of space to express who you are… My advice for people is to do an exercise I call the three big things. What are three big things that you really want to express about yourself on your profile?”

She suggests mixing humor and vulnerability to paint a vivid picture of what it would be like to date you.

From Messaging to Meeting

In the world of online dating, it’s easy to get stuck in endless messaging. Ury recommends meeting in person sooner rather than later.

“A problem that I’ve identified over the last few years is pen paling—when people are going back and forth for way too long,” she explains. “At Hinge, we found that after three days of chatting is actually the sweet spot of coordinating a date.”

By meeting sooner, you avoid building up unrealistic expectations and can better assess real-life chemistry.

Rethinking the ‘Spark’

Many daters place immense importance on an immediate connection, but Ury challenges the notion that the initial “spark” is a predictor of long-term compatibility.

“I’ve found that there’s three myths of the spark,” she says.

First, the absence of instant chemistry doesn’t mean a relationship can’t develop. “Only 11% of couples say that they even experience love at first sight.”

Second, the feeling of a spark might be misleading. “Sometimes somebody themselves is just very sparky, very charismatic, and they actually give that feeling to a lot of people.”

Third, even if you feel the spark, it doesn’t guarantee a viable relationship. “It’s enough to get you into a relationship, but it’s not enough to keep you in it.”

She encourages daters to consider the “slow burn”—those connections that grow stronger over time.

Distinguishing Dealbreakers from Pet Peeves

It’s important to differentiate between fundamental incompatibilities and minor annoyances.

“Dealbreakers are something that truly represent a fundamental incompatibility,” Ury explains. These could be conflicting values or lifestyle choices that would impede a long-term relationship.

In contrast, pet peeves are preferences that shouldn’t necessarily disqualify a potential partner. “Far too often, we have pet peeves… that perhaps you don’t like and you wish were different. But there’s no research telling me that those things are going to mean that you can’t have a successful relationship long term.”

The Myth of the Soulmate

Ury dispels the romanticized idea of a perfect soulmate, advocating instead for a more pragmatic approach to relationships.

“My philosophy is that there’s no such thing as a soulmate,” she states. “I think we can make a lot of relationships work with a lot of different people.”

She encourages adopting a “work it out” mindset, understanding that relationships require effort and compromise. “It’s only a problem when you end up giving up on relationships too quickly, because you believe if this were my soulmate, then it should be effortless, and that’s just not the case.”

Empowering Your Dating Journey

Through her work, including her role on the Netflix show The Later Daters , Ury continues to help individuals navigate the complexities of modern dating at any age.

“Just because you’re in your 50s or 60s and you’ve been married twice, doesn’t mean that you automatically know how to date. In fact, dating is a skill and it’s something that we’re not born doing,” she acknowledges.

By embracing self-awareness, intentionality, and a willingness to challenge common dating myths, Ury believes that finding love through dating apps is not only possible but within reach for those ready to put in the effort.